The Truth About Self Confidence And How To Improve It
Tell me something you want to achieve. Yes, dream big. C’mon what is it?
OUT LOUD PLEASE!
I’ll do it with you.
I wanna run a marathon. One day.. Maybe next year.. when I’ve lost weight, and don’t have so much work to do..
Darn it, does this only happen to me? C’mon we’re on the 2nd base, we can be honest with each other! (Not the naughty way, keep those dirty thoughts to yourself)
Anywho, someone is being a real party pooper and is telling me that I can shove my dream up where the sun doesn’t shine.
It’s the devil on my right shoulder, Hellooooooo!
My devil have some lovely personality traits, ready?
It is:
Insecure
Scared
A pessimist
A terrible friend
Known for saying NO
A dream crusher
not someone you’d like to introduce to your mother in law
No one wants to hang around someone like that all day! Unfortunately, many of us do without even knowing it! I don’t want to be friends with someone like that, do you? Nuh uh. So how do we give our inner devil the boot and who gave it a first class ticket to sit on our shoulder in the first place?
The truth about self-confidence:
When you were a child and jumped out of your mamas hu-ha, you knew that you were a goddess!
‘I am ready to take on this world, like the beautiful baby that I am, where is my red carpet??’
You loved your crochet toes and wouldn’t dare to hide them away in smelly tennis shoes. Non the less, that big belly of yours was your greatest treasure!
All in all, life was hella good.
Uh-oh, what was that? Did my mom just tell me to not play with my lucky charms or else ill get sent to my room? I am gonna fight her and keep playing with them.
WHAAAAAT, I CAN’T HAVE ICE CREAM BECAUSE IT’LL MAKE ME GAIN WEIGHT? But look at me, I’m fabulous!
Unfortunately, with time, this great confidence you have will fade away and you’ll start to believe what your mama tells you and bam, your insecurities were born. You’ll get the idea that you should act and behave a certain way, for your mama to love you. All of the confidence you had as a child, went right out the window. Bye byeeee.
The truth is that your parents are actually part of why you have bad self-confidence.
WHAT ARE SURVIVAL STRATEGIES?
Did you ever tell yourself “I am a big girl and I don’t need ANYBODY but myself”?
It’s alright, I did too. However, you’re not fooling anybody, because we all need to be loved. This is why we develop survival strategies as a result of our fear of being left alone.
If you’re constantly told to stop doing something or else you’ll get sent to your room. You’ll eventually be too scared of being left by your mom and stop doing them once and for all. No more playing with your lucky charms, boring huh?
Kids are also incredible at sensing how their parents are actually feeling. Therefore you could sense as a child if your dad thought that you were too much when you were sad. You’d eventually believe that it isn’t okay to show your sad and vulnerable side. As a result, you’d begin to always have a smile on your face, even if you weren’t happy, just to be sure that your daddy-o, would approve of you.
This would be your new survival strategy to make sure that you are always loved and accepted.
Throughout your life, you learn what behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t. As a result, you’ll close the doors to different parts of yourself and tell yourself that this part is forbidden because others won’t accept it.
That rockstar baby you were, whenever you were born is broken inside. Now the baby believes that it has to be a certain way to be accepted. This is your inner child. That rock star baby is still a part of you, waiting to let loose the baby hair and dance through life.
But will you let it?
Heck yeah!
(I answered for you, sorry … not sorry)
How to improve your self-confidence by re-parenting your inner child?
Let’s let your inner rock star free! It’s about time, don’t ya think? To do this, it’s time for you to re-parent your inner child aka yourself! You need to re-parent yourself. I know your mom and daddy Joe did their very best at raising you, but let’s be honest, not everything they taught you is useful today.
It’s time to blur the lines a bit and loosen up!
Anywho, now let’s get to the fun stuff. From now on YOU’RE your own parent and you tell yourself what’s okay and what’s not okay. No one else, but yourself. You wanna eat a whole bucket of ice cream in one go? Do it, you deserve it because you’re a badass and your body is beautiful no matter what. Have you always dreamed of being an artist, but doubted yourself because you were told you had no talent and that being an artist isn’t a ‘real’ job. (Whatever that means).
Sqrew it, if you believe that you’re an artist, then go be that!
It’s time to let go of ANY limited beliefe about yourself. Your new motto should be ‘I can do this’. Put it on your mirror. Print it on your t-shirt. Tattoo it on your forehead.
Live by it every day! Love yourself and believe that you are good enough, NO MATTER WHAT.
Helpful exercises to practice daily:
I know you are a rock star, but even rock stars need to have daily rituals to pamper themselves. Therefore I’ve got some great ones for you, on the days where you’re feeling down. Maybe even practice them when you are feeling great!
By doing these exercises, you will get rid of your evil devil on your shoulder. With time (and dedication) your kind and confident voice will give your devil the boot. See ya, don’t wanna be ya!
This will set you free from your own limits and build strong self-confidence.
The exercise:
Every time you’re in doubt about yourself, bring out a pen and paper and write down what you worry about. Underneath, I want you to fill the paper with loving and caring words as your own amazing parent.
Example:
Evil devil:
I am useless. I failed my math test and now I just suck. This is embarrassing.
Loving and caring parent:
x (your name), I love you and you did the very best you could. I support you and love you no matter what. It is okay to do badly on a test, and nothing is wrong with you. You are good enough just the way you are.
See how the loving parent calms you down and makes you feel good?
If you practice this every day consistently, I promise you that your self-confidence will go through the roof!
Comment below and let me know what inner doubt (or inner devil) holds you back from building strong self-confidence?
Related reading: Self-development: How to achieve your dreams
Feeling unwanted. My mother left me with my grandparents when. I was around 5 or 6 yrs old. Shes still in my life and once I was about 15/16 i started wondering why didn’t she take me? She left me to be with her now husband, had a few kids with him and never was there for me. Her excuse was that I had a strong g bond with my grandma and she didn’t want to take me away from her. So she moved out and I stayed with my grandparents. It still affects me to this day as a 34 yr old wife and mother of 3. I strive to be a good mother and i know i fall short every single time. I would’ve never left my child behind because they had a strong bond with another family member. My oldest daughter has even asked me why didn’t her NaNa (my mom) take care of me? I didn’t know what to say. And when I see my mom being there for my half siblings during times I myself went through in the past and she wasnt there, it hurts. I just wish she could just admit that she left me because her now husband didn’t want me and she chose him over me. I’m just so messed up mentally.
Hi Adrianna, firstly I want to say thank you for sharing this! Letting your feelings out is the first step towards healing. And second, you’re definitely not messed up mentally. It sounds to me like you’ve been neglected when you were a child and that has left something inside of you empty. My best advice for you is to figure out what it is you want you mom to fill out for you. Fill in the blank “I wish she was more ….”.
Let’s say it is “I wish she was more loving”, then what you need to do is show yourself that love that you think you need your mom to give you. If you want to heal inside and become whole again, you need to be your own most loving and caring parent and meet your needs.
I hope this helped! Take care!
Hi Adrianna! Maybe my insight might help. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. My mother has mental illness and is a narcissist, my father is slightly better, but only slightly. For example, my father (they’re divorced) and my stepmother have this bad habit telling us kids we aren’t worth being their family. This has devastated my siblings more than once and used to bother me as well, but not anymore. So how did I cope/recover? Well, it definitely wasn’t by changing them – They’re clueless. What had happened, is that one day, I was driving down the street and noticed a man with down syndrome walking and it dawned on me that I had more compassion for this stranger I’ve never met, than I did for my own parents (at the time I was full of hurt, anger and resentment). In that moment, I began to see them for what they are. Two people with very poor parenting skills, who cope with life in very poor ways. And it’s because they are human, just like you and me, they make mistakes and bad choices just like we do. And when you can see that they have flaws just like everyone else, you become more loving and more compassionate – toward them and then toward yourself. In fact, that’s when you begin on working on yourself to give yourself the love and care you never had before (self love, confidence, strength – look up healing the inner child). So even though I cannot speak with my mother (it’s better that way), I have forgiven her, and love my father more now than ever before – despite his attempts and blunders to make me feel otherwise from time to time. I now have the best relationship with them that I’ve ever had. It’s not perfect by “normal” standards by any means, but as far as we’re concerned, it is very good! That being said, the reason for your mom’s decision could be any reason… financial, medical, insecurity, family pressures, or even shame because she had no idea what to do… whatever. I have a friend who lost custody of his son to his sister because parenting skills were just not there and the boy was harmed because of it. It was never the boy’s fault, only the parent’s. So please understand that it’s not you – it never was. {{HUGS}} Donna.
I have lots of mother wounds in me…. Always have been an emotionally neglected child.. Strong comparison & body shaming…. Physically hit by mom till 13years & later on it was emotional wounds.
So much of negative thoughts on me… My self inflicted limitations are blocking my personal & professional achievements..
Years later i am with my son repeating the same pattern.. Feel horrible about it.. M aware about my lacunae… M unable to sustain the change… I have forgiven my parents but jus wanted to draw a new pattern for myself & heal self & my chikdren too.