How to build self confidence and believe that you’re good enough
Do you often feel like you’re not good enough? Like you have to live up to certain expectations or that you need to be someone or do something in specific to get someones attention and love?
I want you to know that I get it. I’ve been struggling with this myself, and I found this cycle of “needing to impress someone in order for them to like me” really hard to break. The thought of “just being myself” gave me anxiety, because who could ever love me just the way I was?
If this resonate with you, then hallelujah because you’ve come to the right place! In this post i’ll teach you how to love yourself just the way you are, and why you’re more lovable (even if you don’t think so) when you are yourself and embrace who you are.
1. What causes low self confidence?
When you came out of your mothers hu-ha covered in mucus, your family were crying, taking photos and filled with joy, simply because of your existence. You were cute as a button (and still are) and they loved you just the way you were.
But as you’ve grown up, your parents has tried to teach what to do and not do (as all parents do). Yet, a very smaller number of parents knows what happens with their child when they tell them they’ve done something wrong.
I want you to imagine this… One day when you were playing with your dolls, you accidentally swung it so hard that your mothers expensive vase broke. When she found out, she got angry with you and took away your doll. As a result, you felt ashamed and found out that you don’t get your moms love when you do something ‘wrong’.
To avoid feeling this way, you quickly figured out what pleased her and what didn’t. And from then on, you only behaved so you’d always feel good enough and be loved.
2. How does this affect your self confidence today?
Think back to a time where you spend lunch with a group of friends and shared a bag of Cheetos while chatting about life. One of your friends gossips about something that she hates and ends her sentence asking “don’t y’all hate that too?”.
What happened then?
My guys is that everyone agreed with her even though you didn’t agree. But why didn’t you speak your mind then? Because you didn’t want to be the one standing out.
It’s human nature to need to be a part of a pack. To survive we need to feel loved and a part of something. That’s why if you lack self confidence, you’re more prone to being a people pleaser. Why? Because of the fear of being “kicked out” of a group. The fear of being alone. That’s why it can be hard to speak your mind when everyone else agrees. Because you fear being disliked and being “kicked out of the group”. Even though we both know your friends won’t turn their back on you for not agreeing that Justin Bieber is hot. You’ve still gotten an underlying fear of it happening.
This is also why you become scared of showing all of who you are. Because what if someone won’t like you? The thought of rejection is worse than being true to yourself.
That’s what stands in your way of building self confidence. You’ve gotten used to measure your self worth by how much other people like you. This is natural, but it really ain’t good mama.
But before we dive in to how you can change this, don’t forget to download the free cheat sheet. I’ve created it for you to guide you through the blog post and help you implement what you’ll learn so you’ll see results instantly!
Because you deserve to love yourself without feeling like you need to change everything you stand for to please someone else.
3. Is self esteem the same as self confidence?
Who else has mixed these two up for years? And why do you even need to know the difference?
I think it’s important to know because both components make you as a whole person. I don’t think you can be a whole person with good self esteem but low self confidence and vise versa.
Now let’s break them down.
What is self esteem?
Having good self esteem is believing that you are enough just by being you. When you have good self esteem, you don’t feel the need to look a certain way because you fear that else you won’t be good enough.
You’re going to an event and you’re nervous. You spend hours trying to figure out what to wear. You even play out how you’re gonna act in certain situations to make sure others will think you’re cool.
This is having low self esteem because you don’t think you’re enough just by being who you are. You think that you need to act and look a certain way for people to like you.
Let’s play this situation as if you had good self esteem:
You’re going to an event and you’re calm. You spend five minutes looking for the clothes you feel most comfortable in. You’re excited and can’t wait to go to the event. What if you meet some new cool people? That would be awesome.
See how you’re only concerned about if you’re gonna like the people at the event? Not if the people will like you. This is having good self esteem because you trust that you are good enough with any extra glitter.
Now that we’ve established that, then let’s break the next one down.
What is self confidence?
Having self confidence is having trust in yourself. It’s is believing that you can achieve something and can accomplish a task successfully.
A self confident person is willing to risk taking on new challenges because they believe that they can succeed. However, a self confident person can be really confident in one area but not in another.
For example: I’m really confident in cooking because I love cooking and I’m good at it, but I’m not confident in playing chess because there are too many rules and I just don’t get it.
Therefor it’s possible to have high self confidence but love self esteem, because you don’t necessarily need to have high self esteem to be confident that you’re a good cook.
4. How do you cure low self esteem?
If you want to cure low self esteem you need to get passed the fear of “am I worth loving for who I am?” And “Am I enough?”.
Because if you ask anyone this question the obvious answer is ‘YES, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST THE WAY YOU ARE’.
But it isn’t that easy to believe it yourself. The idea of accepting yourself and believing that you’re good enough can feel overwhelming and terrifying.
Yet I still want you to imagine this… you’re at a club, with loud music playing and you’ve got a gin and tonic in your hand. Through out the night you spot a guy across the room for you. He’s not just hot. HE’S ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH HAWT.
You squeeze your girlfriends hand and try to contain yourself even though you wanna scream “haaaallelujaaaaah”.
But then your insecure voice creeps in and says “you’re not good enough for that guy, look at him, he’s model hot”. So you convince yourself it’s better not to act on your feelings and just stay quiet in the corner.
How great would it be, if that voice didn’t ruin your moment? Yet, how awesome would it be if that voice cheered you on! If it said “Go sexy lady, he’s over there waiting for his princess to come!”
That’d be pretty freaking awesome.
So how do you need to cure your low self esteem? You gotta understand why you doubt yourself. This way you can set yourself free from your own limiting beliefs.
5. Why do you doubt yourself?
When you’re born, you loved yourself. You were the most important person in the world.
But then you got to kindergarten, and there was a kid who didn’t want to play with you. It made you sad but you still had a good amount of self esteem.
But then in school, somthing new got to you. You got a low grade and you compare yourself to your friends who did a better job. This hurt on your self confidence a little but you still carry on.
Through out your life small stuff like this has happened and your self confidence and self esteem got worse and worse.
You begin to think that something is wrong with you. And you measure your self-worth in your grades and by how many friends you have.
When you compare your self worth by things out side of you, it will leave you with a feeling of not being good enough. Because you messaure your self-worth by something out of your control.
It’s like telling your best friend, “I’ll first love you when you get the best grade in your class”.
How do you think your best friend would feel?
I guess really F*** hurt is the answer. Like she isn’t good enough right?
So why are you treating yourself this way? Why are you beating yourself up by not fitting the mold?
if you want to know more, i’ve written a blogpost on self doubt you can read here.
6. Do you have to be “perfect” to be good enough?
Have you ever strived for perfection? Excuse me, but my guess is yes. Because we all have. For some reason the world has gotten the idea that perfection is the way to be the best.
But I never understood that because to me perfection is boring.
I’d much rather be funny and accidentally fart while having a conversation (that happened to me) and then have a hilarious memory to look back at.
I admire people with lots of personality and who embrace everything they are.
Your quirks, hobbies and interests is what makes you interesting and exciting! It’s what makes you unique. Like a unicorn.
If you ever debate on how you should act to make sure people think you’re cool then I’m gonna stop you right there. Because others can feel when you’re not authentic. and honestly, no one think that’s cool.
But if you are yourself, and embrace all of your flaws and perfections, then you’re gone shine! Because daring to be yourself is admirable and f**ing awesome!
And on that note, I have a self confidence exercise I think you’d benefit a lot from!
Make a list of why you’re special and what you love the most about yourself. Your unique quirks are what makes you more lovable than others. List them all and be proud that every single one of these features are a part of who you are.
7. Improve your self confidence with these self confidence building exercises
If you want to overcome your self doubt and build self confidence you need to practice self confidence exercises.
As we can now conclude, you low self esteem comes from stuff that has happened to you from you were a child up until this moment. Alle of these tiny broken piece of your heart is what you need to heal.
Before we dive into the self confidence building exercises I’ve written a blog post on how to re-parent your inner child. You can read it here.
Todays exercise for letting go of self doubt and building self confidence and good self esteem is by writing a love letter to yourself.
So bring out pen and pay so you’re ready. Go do it now so you can do the exercise with me.
In the letter you want to first apologize to yourself.
– not standing up for yourself when someone crossed your boundaries.
– putting yourself down and telling yourself that you’re not good enough.
– for not taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.
Maybe there is a specific time in your life where you know you should have stood up for yourself but didn’t. Write it down.
When you’ve written that part down, then it’s time for forgiveness. Tell yourself that you’ve done the best you could and that you’re proud of yourself.
And finish it off by telling yourself how much your love and adore yourself. Acknowledge everything you’re proud of and that makes you unique.
If you’re not used to being connected to your thoughts and feelings, it can be hard to go deep and get the results that you want.
There are different practices you can do to stay connected to yourself and my favorite is yoga.
Yoga helps you connect your body to your mind, slows down your breath and increase happiness.
If you wanna give it a shot The Journey Junkie have some awesome yoga videos and other great content that can help you connect with yourself.
Want more tips on how to build self confidence? Then read my post on Do these 6 things to build self confidence.
Now, I’d love to hear from you. What’s your biggest take away from this post and how can you use that knowledge to make a change today?
Leave a comment below and let me know.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me.
With great love,
I have been struggling with a few of these things in one area of my life. It used to be my whole life, but I put in a shit ton of work. Had my first decently healthy relationship. And it ended because I laid my first tough boundary down. He couldn’t meet it and now it’s over. He left me because he knew this one wasn’t going anywhere. And I’m looking back and seeing that as awesome. But what I also realized is I still have up my power in the relationship. When I started seeing a future, I started letting small things slide I might have spoken up about if i had a bit more self esteem. This is the first thing I’ve read that I totally resonated with! Wow, yes! I can see it. I know what I need to work on. Besides your blogs (which I can’t wait to dive into!) do you have any recommended readings, books, podcasts? Thank you!!
Kera! I wanna start by saying that I’m seriously cheering you on. Way to go girl! Standing up for ourselves when we know the risk of loosing someone because of it is incredibly hard and scary. And you’ve done that. That is a huge accomplishment. I want you to know. I’m so excited you wanna dive into my blog. That’s awesome! To answer your question I have a podcast too, you can find it in the menu og on Itunes. It’s called ‘How to achieve anything podcast’. Second I can really recommend checking Brene Browns work. I’ve read her book called ‘The gifts of imperfection’ and loved it. I’ll link to it here: https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace-ebook/dp/B00BS03LL6 . Also I’m really into the enneagram. It’s a system that shows us our personality type and shows us how we limit ourself because we cling to an image of ourselves we think we need to keep up in order to be loved. See what limits us is what will set us free from trying to seek others approval all the time. I’ve purchased a book called ‘The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types’. I’ll put a link to it here: https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Enneagram-Psychological-Spiritual-Personality/dp/0553378201 . Also I love Kisser Paludan, she is a self-esteem/self love specialist and she has an international podcast. It’s called ‘soul talk global. I’ll link to it here: https://kisserpaludan.dk/soultalk-podcast-global/.
I hope this helps! If you need anything or have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out! I love hearing from you.